Long time no... journal?
Ehom, I want to use this small space here to write down some of my recent thoughts, since I don't usually do that anymore. I write only in short fragments in my notebooks really... and end up not understanding what I meant in the first place.
I've been working so hard with drawing lately and I try my best to learn as much as I can about anatomy first and foremost, also faces and expressions. I want the construction of a face to become second nature to me, something that I can do more or less with my eyes closed but that's still some ways away... I need references now and then but I found that that is not a weakness actually. Using references will let my work become more believable since I don't know every single item that drifts around in the universe. I can't imagine everything from different angles and different light sources, though I try.
What just struck me though is that occasionally when I look through my old (and very
emotional) drawings and paintings I feel like I had so much more to share back then. There was something I was actively dealing with and that I needed to get out of my system, I had nightmares, I had insecurity and fear, I had various physical conditions piling up on me as result of those fears, stress and sadness. I still am scared, insecure, stressed and I occasionally have nightmares so awful I can't seem to sleep. Though something is different this time, I am no longer staring the fear and the pain in the eyes. I am distracting myself from it.
If I hear of troubling news, or if I almost go under from worry, exhaustion and nerves, I don't actually draw it anymore and I don't deal with it like I used to. I just look away and do things that cheer me up. I draw happy and relaxed subjects or just make a bunch of sketches to practice.But what am I practicing for?
What am I preparing for? What am I waiting for?
I fear that even if many people around me are supportive, impressed and interested in my work, I'm afraid that I've hit a dead end of just technical practice and not so much expressing the things I feel and that I need to say. I'm afraid that I will be stuck just doodling the things that used to make me happy, trivial things until I get sick of it. Until I've wasted all my time and not made my mark on anyone.